But anyway - my last year of high school is rapidly running along, and it feels like the end of a very long headache. Finally I am finding a way to sort this all out... or not really. To be fair (and keep this relatively short), everything was all fine until middle school came - life that is. It sure does get complicated quickly. Not in terms of relationships or anything - I'm not that kind of person if that's what you're thinking. Middle school shoves the harsh realities of life in your face, showing you just how mean people are. Backing into a corner - not literally, but mentally - sixth grade is a big environmental factor in why I am such an independent kind of person.
More to the point though, I am intensely driven by goals, and the passions from which they stem. It's mainly the goals that I'm driven by... but the drive for them has to come from some where, right? It wasn't until recently that I actually went with the flow and gave into my actual passions; the compulsory grind of high school with pressure-cook you with time. And adults wonder why teenagers are stressed these days. But you have to be a mindless grinder devoid of independent thought and ambition to slog through the current school system as it is. And many are. I'm just not. I'm still comfortably in the top 5% of my class, after all of my stagnant ambivalence. Looking back on the last 3 and 1/4 years, I don't feel like I've accomplished anything, unfortunately. It's kind of funny how I put in 3/4 the effort of my friend - much to her chagrin. No, that's harsh. :) But it's... well... lacking in foresight, to sit around and do nothing, floundering in a vacuum of thought. I have to apply myself and not feel like I'm twiddling my thumbs. I know what I what, but the outlets just aren't there. And getting A's leave just about all the doors open. Good enough, I guess!
"Life is life/Dreams are dreams/And I'm floating somewhere in-between"...
...is an all-too-apt description of where I am right now. As one of my favorite movies once said "The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." I believe that was the exact quote - I may have to watch the movie (Kart Racer) again! But seriously, where do you envision yourself? Where do I envision myself? I've always known what I want want to do. What I can do. What I am determined to do. My passion ever since I was five or six. The only thing I ever do in my free time (and vastly outweighs every thing else). Racing - as in car racing - is my thing. I am a car person. Sorry - that's just me.
Get over it.
And it kills me that I can't be on the race track every other weekend like some (rather fortunate and well-heeled) people. I mean it tears me apart that I had to wait until I was going on 17 before I finally got my first real-life season of karting. Most of the time I'm stuck with video games or racing simulations - which are great fun. But why can't I do what I know I have the ability to pursue? And while we're at it - why do teachers waste my time on worthless assignments to pad my grade, that put a couple of facts in my brain for merely thirty minutes of my time? Why do I have to be forced to spend my time on piddling things just to eke out some figment of success down the beaten path, merely doing something satisfactory? Why is it just such a bad thing to want to break off and pursue something else? It must be because the stakes are higher. And I guess that what scares people. Parents and those of a weaker constitution alike. The chance to fail is there. Success, then, isn't written in stone. But, nevertheless, you can still fail after going to college, grad school, etc. You can study for 8 more years and then not get a job. You can keep chasing something endlessly - something - and be 45 and wonder what the hell you've been doing your life.
My childhood is almost over. Which is absolutely incredible - the way time passes is absolutely ruthless. And much of the experiences I've had to endure since elementary school ending have been like having one pleasure just ripped away, one after the other. Six and a half years since the last playground I got to actually enjoy without being embarrassed. Six years since all my friends in the neighborhood went their separate ways. Four years since the anvil of college wasn't looming. Who knows how long since I wasn't lethargic and apathetic from a lack of sleep and enthusiasm. But that's life! Hilarious, the twists and turns aren't they? Well, I may go out on a limb. I'm not going to go splat on the canyon floor - I've got a backup plan and harness just in case - but I'm not going to dangle on the cliffside either. Besides, it's not my style to just show up in senior year and wonder what the hell I'm going to do with myself. A lot still has to be written, but I've been trying to figure this out for years. This has been a long battle, but I brought a couple of parachutes along with my weaponry. :)
[I wish I had the time to more precisely get my point across. Alas...]
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